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Snack #56 - Dissociate

I don’t avoid old patterns, I just get better at recognizing them.

Life is a fucking video game - we have to keep replenishing and healing and we need better potions and tools as we level up. I think I’m leveling up, because I’m having some big life-changing moments with my psyche.

First, I had pain. I no longer know if pain is physical or mental since they are so connected for me. What could it be? What could I do?

The answer came in the form of a panic attack, which I managed to notice and control, but there was something deep in there. I feel obligated. I feel not cared for. I need to feel like I can be myself without apologizing, and I have been doing a lot of apologizing by my standard.

So now I literally cannot moderate myself or my chest starts hurting. I’m one of those people who get mad and are vocal about it, but since I’ve been learning to keep it in, I slowly became the other type of angry person - the one who keeps it in and then explodes.

I don’t want to do it but it happens when I fall into old patterns, and I don’t avoid old patterns, I just get better at recognizing them and dealing with them. Is this what life is all about? I don’t know, feels strange

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